Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Stores Prepare for Rapture “White Saturday” Shopping Day

Written May 11, 2011

In anticipation of the glorious return of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior’s only begotten son, stores across the nation are drastically marking down their merchandise for White Saturday on May 20th.

The last time a shopping event like this occurred was September 27, 1994, when the Armageddon was supposed to arrive inconveniently just before lunchtime. September 28 was dubbed "Day of Returns" by aggravated shopkeepers and is famous for seeing the largest number of customer returns in U.S history. Scholars say it made the day after Christmas look “like a fucking picnic.”

Jesus is set to return to earth on Sunday, May 21 in what sources say will naturally be a calamity of biblical proportions.

“As the unwashed, secular masses go down in flames for not accepting Christ, I will be sitting on my porch awaiting him with open arms, and if I’m lucky, a spankin’ new suit from the Men’s Warehouse,” said Jimmy Sporre, area Baptist and golf enthusiast. Added Sporre, “Do you think they’ll still have a 41 long if I go around 2 o’clock?

Others are less thrilled about the White Saturday deals.

“The wife wants to stock up on linens, there goes my Saturday,” said a visibly distressed Dennis Piper, rolling his eyes. “I really want to know where she’s planning to put them once the chariots of fire arrive.”

Even Jews are encouraged to participate in this year’s festivities, as was the theme of a full page color ad in last week’s Sunday New York Times.

“We get the whole day of rest thing, but these deals are huge,” said Benjamin Thompson, store manager at Filene’s Basement. “Think our unbeatable everyday low prices, times like fuckin’ 50.”

Fireworks salesmen are also jumping in on the bargain gravy train. “The roman candles are half off,” said Allison Dufresne. “We’re encouraging customers of all ages to come through and stock up for the end of days.”

“Come on live a little, when are you gonna see a scene like this again?” chuckled Dufresne.

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