Raw milk activists defend their right to bone-shattering diarrhea

Written May 6, 2011

In what has been called the most vocal food 
rights movement for decades, thousands 
of Americans have stood up against 
what they feel is a tyrannical assault on 
their rights as consumers to purchase and 
consume raw milk.

“Look, if I want to get up every morning, 
walk over to my barn and nestle my 
head against the teats of a 900 lb 
mammal sucking until coagulated, 
sour chunks of fluid come seeping 
into my mouth, that’s my prerogative 
and not the state’s,” said Robert Goodman, 
who has been following the movement for 
the past few months since first hearing 
about it through online message boards.

“At first I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, 
but then I got to thinking, unless I’m 
dropping a deuce in the neighbor’s kitty pool, 
I’m well within my right to deal with the 
consequences of my lust for raw milk and I 
don’t see why the government should have 
any part of it.”

The Pepto Bismol corporate division of 
Proctor and Gamble has recently come 
out in support of new proposed legislation 
which would lift the current ban on raw milk. 
A spokesperson for the company said, 
“We stand behind the Americans who 
are working tirelessly in their efforts to 
stop this encroachment of civil liberties; 
as with most things in life, we believe the 
more liberty, the better.”

The spokesman, who wished to remain 
anonymous, later added, “Plus, think of 
the fucking profits we’re going to make 
once this shit catches on- hold on to your
 fuckin’ balls gentlemen.”

At press time, the head of the Raw Milk 
Buyers Group could not be reached for 
comment, having been stuck in the john 
since late Wednesday evening.

“First it’s raw milk, then they’ll go after 
other locally grown goods, where will it 
end?” said Goodman, slamming his fist 
on his kitchen table. “It’s called liberty, 
dammit! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve 
got to go take a shit.”