Stupid IT Guy Falls Asleep During Blogger Maintenance and Ruins it for Everyone

Written May 12, 2011

Brief News:

In what some are calling a completely dick move on his part, Mike Kelly, an IT employee at the popular website Blogger, fell asleep at his goddamn desk like a prick leaving blog users waiting around for God knows how long until they can update their blogs.

"I feel terrible about this, I really do," said that bastard Kelly, yawning like a five year old. "I had a really big lunch and got kind of sleepy."

Recalled the big baby, "I may have accidentally had decaf this morning too- oh God, what have I done?!"

Sources say if Kelly doesn't get his shit together they're going to can his ass like they did Sam McNeill last month.

"This is completely unacceptable," said Stuart Walton, representative for the now useless website. "There are people out there counting on us to provide a space where they can write down their mundane observations about current events, trite conversations with other people or amateur creative writing projects and keep checking back on them over and over again to see if someone cared."

Added Walton, "We provide a valuable service, I'm humiliated beyond words. If this happens again, mark my words, it's back to Wordpress with that asshole."

Stores Prepare for Rapture “White Saturday” Shopping Day

Written May 11, 2011

In anticipation of the glorious return of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior’s only begotten son, stores across the nation are drastically marking down their merchandise for White Saturday on May 20th.

The last time a shopping event like this occurred was September 27, 1994, when the Armageddon was supposed to arrive inconveniently just before lunchtime. September 28 was dubbed "Day of Returns" by aggravated shopkeepers and is famous for seeing the largest number of customer returns in U.S history. Scholars say it made the day after Christmas look “like a fucking picnic.”

Jesus is set to return to earth on Sunday, May 21 in what sources say will naturally be a calamity of biblical proportions.

“As the unwashed, secular masses go down in flames for not accepting Christ, I will be sitting on my porch awaiting him with open arms, and if I’m lucky, a spankin’ new suit from the Men’s Warehouse,” said Jimmy Sporre, area Baptist and golf enthusiast. Added Sporre, “Do you think they’ll still have a 41 long if I go around 2 o’clock?

Others are less thrilled about the White Saturday deals.

“The wife wants to stock up on linens, there goes my Saturday,” said a visibly distressed Dennis Piper, rolling his eyes. “I really want to know where she’s planning to put them once the chariots of fire arrive.”

Even Jews are encouraged to participate in this year’s festivities, as was the theme of a full page color ad in last week’s Sunday New York Times.

“We get the whole day of rest thing, but these deals are huge,” said Benjamin Thompson, store manager at Filene’s Basement. “Think our unbeatable everyday low prices, times like fuckin’ 50.”

Fireworks salesmen are also jumping in on the bargain gravy train. “The roman candles are half off,” said Allison Dufresne. “We’re encouraging customers of all ages to come through and stock up for the end of days.”

“Come on live a little, when are you gonna see a scene like this again?” chuckled Dufresne.

Raw milk activists defend their right to bone-shattering diarrhea

Written May 6, 2011

In what has been called the most vocal food 
rights movement for decades, thousands 
of Americans have stood up against 
what they feel is a tyrannical assault on 
their rights as consumers to purchase and 
consume raw milk.

“Look, if I want to get up every morning, 
walk over to my barn and nestle my 
head against the teats of a 900 lb 
mammal sucking until coagulated, 
sour chunks of fluid come seeping 
into my mouth, that’s my prerogative 
and not the state’s,” said Robert Goodman, 
who has been following the movement for 
the past few months since first hearing 
about it through online message boards.

“At first I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, 
but then I got to thinking, unless I’m 
dropping a deuce in the neighbor’s kitty pool, 
I’m well within my right to deal with the 
consequences of my lust for raw milk and I 
don’t see why the government should have 
any part of it.”

The Pepto Bismol corporate division of 
Proctor and Gamble has recently come 
out in support of new proposed legislation 
which would lift the current ban on raw milk. 
A spokesperson for the company said, 
“We stand behind the Americans who 
are working tirelessly in their efforts to 
stop this encroachment of civil liberties; 
as with most things in life, we believe the 
more liberty, the better.”

The spokesman, who wished to remain 
anonymous, later added, “Plus, think of 
the fucking profits we’re going to make 
once this shit catches on- hold on to your
 fuckin’ balls gentlemen.”

At press time, the head of the Raw Milk 
Buyers Group could not be reached for 
comment, having been stuck in the john 
since late Wednesday evening.

“First it’s raw milk, then they’ll go after 
other locally grown goods, where will it 
end?” said Goodman, slamming his fist 
on his kitchen table. “It’s called liberty, 
dammit! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve 
got to go take a shit.”

Osama Bin Laden Chokes to Death on Pretzel

Written May 2, 2011

PAKISTAN–After decades of indulging in the salty snacks, Osama Bin Laden has finally met his demise while tearing through a bag of Snyder’s.

“I always told him to take it easy on those,” said Abu Ayyub al-Masri, childhood friend of Bin Laden. “He would just sit in front of the TV putting pretzel after pretzel in his mouth without a care in the world, he loved them.”

Bin Laden reportedly discovered the snacks while on a timeshare vacation in San Francisco in 1973, an experience that enraged him to the point of never wanting to step foot in the city again.

“He was just so upset, the pretzels were a comfort for him,” said Aroob Ressam, a former girlfriend. “While I was living with him, he would constantly start discussing the demise of Western civilization with a mouth full of crumbs.”

She added, wearily, “I didn’t have the heart to tell him how rude and disgusting it was, but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a disaster waiting to happen.”

Osama’s body was found sprawled out next to his favorite La-Z-Boy recliner, where purportedly spent the bulk of his time.

“I guess I knew it was coming but we weren’t expecting this news anytime soon, so no funeral arrangements have been planned,” said Ayyub al-Masri “ It’s a big shock to all of us, he really seemed like a Fritos kind of guy.”

What Does A Signature Signify?

Derrida argued that to repeat one's own signature is inherently counterfeit - it's an imitation of prior markings.

So, then, what does it mean to forge a signature? Do you forge your own signature every time you use it? Yes - you're copying the marking regarded to be your legal signature.

But, you're also operating on what the receiver's expectations of your signature are. If you don't make your signature appear identical for whatever number of reasons or excuses, you can decide to at least make it approximate to the marking that at the time it was made was performatively pronounced as your official, legal signifier.

This signifier could have been different at any other moment, but the moment you first put the pen on paper was the moment you wrote your own legal destiny with regard to your signifier. To change your signature requires jumping hoops and leaps of faith on the parts of others - particularly if your actual name remains the same. If you change it, that comes with a host of other responsibilities and potentials for false consciousness episodes.

For each signature you make, you operate under a set of contextual or practical assumptions - whether or not the recipient is familiar with your signature. The recipient could be comparing the signature via a previous contract, or your driver's license.

To change your signifier puts you at the risk of ghosting yourself, making yourself an element of undecidability. You exist, but you don't - it's all dependent on context you may have or take out of context.

(Aside - can we take context -- con/text, to mean an opposition to text? If so, is it verbal, written, dynamic or stagnant?)

Even a close approximation of your signifier might not be enough. In this rare episode not only are you in a state of ambivalent existence/nonexistence, your existence might not be recognized at all: an incredulous notary, a bad xerox copy, an unfortunate ink stain - could all render you absent.

So, who you are is basically who you appear to be to whoever is in the favored position during your communication act.

WAVES: Prophets or Pushers?

This is an article I wrote back in 2008, but I thought it was relevant enough to repost. Enjoy!

WAVES: Prophets or pushers?

By Katherine Concepcion

At what point do the interests of the student body take precedence over the granted free exercise of a student club?

WAVES ministries is just one of the over 35 student-run organizations at Miami Dade College - Kendall campus. Their vague and seemingly innocuous one-line mission statement is printed on the Student Life website: “To provide an organizational atmosphere through which students can have an opportunity to worship God.”

Despite their good intentions, there have been several reported instances where WAVES affiliates have proselytized to students and faculty.

During the past two Club Rush events, Richard (no last name provided), the elderly father of the main non-faculty adviser for WAVES, has acted with hostility against the president and faculty adviser for MDC Secular Humanists, a campus student club devoted to promoting science, reason and the acceptance of Atheism.

At a recent event, Richard commenced verbal attacks on a student who was guarding the MDC Secular Humanists booth, but not himself a member of the club. When the president returned from his class, there was a stack of articles on the club table about the Archaeoraptor, a dinosaur fossil hoax that is cited by creationists as “proof” that birds did not evolve from dinosaurs. In fact, various other verified fossils linking the two species have been found, and birds and dinosaurs share more than 100 anatomical features and similar rates of bone growth. Richard lied to the student guarding the Secular Humanists booth, saying the articles belonged to the club president. When said club president returned and confronted Richard about the articles, he proceeded to act aloof about placing them at the table. Richard rounded out his Club Rush visit by shouting vitriolic non-sequitors into conversations between curious WAVES members and MDC Secular Humanists members.

WAVES ministries is affiliated with another college missionary group, Youth With A Mission (YWAM). On several occasions, members of YWAM have come on to the campus in an attempt to preach to students.

During one incident, two male students were having a conversation outside a classroom when a young, attractive girl who appeared to have been listening in, approached them and began making comments about the biology of the human body.

She claimed that it was “so amazing” how the human body functioned, how every part seemed to be “designed” and perfect, and cited an example of how the stomachs digestive juices amazingly did not disintegrate the organs in our bodies.

One student, who had a science background, gave an alternative reason why the acid isn’t corrosive to tissue, an explanation that did not involve the instance of a “creator.” Another, male individual got involved in the conversation, agreeing with the girl and eventually stating that dinosaurs were actually approximately 4,000 years old.

An argument soon began, and the pair, both members of YWAM in Orlando and not a registered MDC students, began to claim that the two guys were being “narrow-minded” and told them they should “think outside the box.”

The YWAM missionaries continued to pursue the argument and made antagonizing comments to the students until the students left for class.

It is unclear whether the visiting Richard or the YWAM members were cleared by student life. The student life handbook does not list clear rules or regulations for bringing club visitors on campus without a club event being held.

The antagonistic proselytizing and other related topics were discussed with the vice president of WAVES in a recent interview. When asked about the general purpose of WAVES, the vice president’s response indicated that their main and only intent was self-promotion. After given several opportunities to give examples of ways in which WAVES benefits the community, the vice president revealed that the club does not participate in community events, if they wanted to do that, he said, they "might as well just join a church." One opportunity that WAVES could have used to be part of something bigger than themselves was Relay for Life, an overnight event benefiting the American Cancer Society that will be held at this campus on the 28^th of Feb. When asked about their possible participation at this event, the VP said that although WAVES considered being part of the event in order to raise funds for themselves, they did not have room in their calendar because of a retreat they planned to attend. Keep in mind, all the funds clubs raise at Relay for Life are to go to the American Cancer Society. When this fact was explained to the VP, he mistakingly recalled the Student Life Director saying clubs could keep a portion of the profits raised at the event for themselves.

The WAVES representative felt the need to clarify that WAVES was NOT a church, nor were they in the business of converting people on campus, but when asked a question regarding their “spreading of Christ’s word”, the VP said he believed all of the world’s people should accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, but stopped short of saying that they should all convert to Christianity. Clearly, not a fine distinction between the two was made, and a disturbing disparity remains.

If we are to go by the vice president of the organization’s own words, the sole purpose of WAVES is missionary work- spreading the teachings they feel everyone should follow.

Should a club that provides no other service, either to students on campus or the community get funding or even be allowed to operate?

Other officers and members of WAVES were present when Richard was acting up at Club Rush. A responsible student organization would have acknowledged that his demeanor was giving their group a bad name and would have reprimanded him and told him to leave the premises or stop his behavior. Instead, the VP claimed that it was important to “respect your elders.”

After pondering the aforementioned questions, also ask yourselves: Should there be hard and fast rules for clubs to follow in terms of their mission? Should certain clubs be more regulated than others to ensure that no injurious pandering is being committed

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While I realize this is an old article, it is still relevant enough for students of the same campus, or other universities. Individuals who are not particularly religious often have no problems with recalling incidents such as those listed above. Because of this, I thought to bring back the article in an attempt to create a dialogue. If you or a friend has dealt with similar issues on a college campus, please feel free to leave your comments here, or email me directly at: five31@gmail.com. Thanks!