Written May 2, 2011
PAKISTAN–After decades of indulging in the salty snacks, Osama Bin Laden has finally met his demise while tearing through a bag of Snyder’s.
“I always told him to take it easy on those,” said Abu Ayyub al-Masri, childhood friend of Bin Laden. “He would just sit in front of the TV putting pretzel after pretzel in his mouth without a care in the world, he loved them.”
Bin Laden reportedly discovered the snacks while on a timeshare vacation in San Francisco in 1973, an experience that enraged him to the point of never wanting to step foot in the city again.
“He was just so upset, the pretzels were a comfort for him,” said Aroob Ressam, a former girlfriend. “While I was living with him, he would constantly start discussing the demise of Western civilization with a mouth full of crumbs.”
She added, wearily, “I didn’t have the heart to tell him how rude and disgusting it was, but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a disaster waiting to happen.”
Osama’s body was found sprawled out next to his favorite La-Z-Boy recliner, where purportedly spent the bulk of his time.
“I guess I knew it was coming but we weren’t expecting this news anytime soon, so no funeral arrangements have been planned,” said Ayyub al-Masri “ It’s a big shock to all of us, he really seemed like a Fritos kind of guy.”